The Miracle of Life

Photo taken at Grey Towers National Historic Site

Feeling very grateful today.

My partner shared last night, "the Nanala I knew a year ago would not be able to handle this well. How are you this strong now?" and he is right. Just a year ago, I was freaking out and having mental breakdowns over the mere thought of confronting my physical health. Yet here I am with a smile, laughing over a breast biopsy.

The month of December-January has been back-to-back appointments. Consultations, EKG's, IV + Echocardiogram, Holter Monitor, Breast Ultrasounds, Dentists, etc. A lot at once, not necessarily easy either. However, I showed up with solidity and came home even stronger.

I can't say for certain where this strength is coming from, it's a culmination of many things, a natural part of growth, and a continued practice, day by day. But there have been many areas that I can point to that I do know for certain contributed to this.

1) Breath Meditation.
Despite my heart rate flying up during the appointments from childhood trauma and deep-rooted anxiety, I stayed strong with a smile and grounded in the moment. Through the hardships, I would follow my breath and find a place of ease. Using the appointment as an opportunity to practice my meditation. Aware of the sensations in my body, not labeling or putting a name to them, but following my breathe with equanimity.

2) Staying Present.
I am a known hypochondriac, at least I used to be. Growing up I would panic over every little thing and run a million scenarios through my head. It would haunt me in the dead of night and the wake of day. Instead of ruminating on the many possibilities, I brought awareness to the concerns and left it at that. I'm not the doctor nor can I read the future, so why worry about it? I didn't let it plague my day with anxiety, I gave myself grace.

3) The Five Remembrances.

"I am of the nature to grow old. There is no way to escape growing old.

I am of the nature to have ill-health. There is no way to escape having ill-health.

I am of the nature to die. There is no way to escape death.

All that is dear to me and everyone I love are of the nature to change. There is no way to escape being separated from them.

I inherit the results of my actions of body, speech, and mind. My actions are my continuation.

These contemplations, which can be recited daily at the start or end of your day, help us touch the nature of impermanence, overcome our fears and cherish the preciousness of life and relationships."

Without Right View, some may view this and think to themselves, "how pessimistic! I don't want to think about how we're all going to get sick and die!" but it is far from that. Instead of feeding narratives and fear inside me or repressing the truth and feeding delusion, worrying about what comes next and the endless ailments I could find myself in, these Remembrances help me to accept life as it is and to inspire a space of solidity and clarity. Accepting that illness and death are an inherent part of life and nothing more than that, I don't need to ruminate and create stories that water the seeds of fear and anxiety inside of me. Instead it inspires joy and presence. A reminder to cherish the miracle of life, be here now with my body, speech, and mind, be here for those around me. My actions are my continuation, so let my thoughts and actions be from a place of joy and peace. The miracle of life would not exist without the awareness of death.

4) Sangha; Harmonious Community.

Through all of these turbulent moments, I have had a community to lean on. Not only has my community given me wonderful teachings and practices, but it has given me the joy of like-minded people who are on the same journey as I am or trail beside me with words of support. These people have showed up every part of the way. My loving partner who cares for me day-to-day, my mother who attends to my appointment transportation and health needs, my mentors who inspire me to touch the practice in those hard moments, my friends who offer a shoulder to lean on and encourage me to take care of myself, and the strangers who yell words of encouragement. I would not be where I am today without this beautiful sangha and I am forever grateful.

All these words just to say that my breast biopsy diagnosis came back--and I do not have breast cancer nor do I need to follow up with removal surgery. An uncertainty that had been weighing over me after discovering the deemed suspicious cyst. May my health continue beautifully into the future.

Smile & Be Well,

Nanala